


Ephemeral thoughts.

by PumpkinFickle



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Unrequited Love, this sounds super edgy now damn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinFickle/pseuds/PumpkinFickle
Summary: A collection of short stories and poems ranging from topics about hapiness and love to self-harm and sadness all the way to random essays.Basically every mental breakdown I’ve had, ever.{TITLE MAY CHANGE}





	1. When does the day end?

**Author's Note:**

> I intended for my first story on here to be a one shot but my tiny brain is too sad to write about love. I’m sure nobody is going to read these stories but I still want them to be out there in case somebody needs them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are all from personal feelings that I have so they normally are in the heat of the moment and are kinda rushed, any feedback would help though! Also the “you” was supposed to be replaced with “they” but I decided last minute to keep them, this poem is more of a vent though since I had an awful day yesterday and was thinking of self-harming again.

When does the day end?  
A simple question,  
When does the day end?  
With tears streaming down your face  
Soon? I’m not sure!  
The fat,hot tears roll down your cheeks.  
Almost a comfort, you can even taste their salts.  
When does the day end?  
With hand curled around pencil, and a red, runny nose.  
When will it end?  
Thinking of blades breaking against skin,  
When will the day end?  
Because you’re still young,  
And that body is not yours.  
You daydream,  
About when the day will end.  
But the truth is  
The day never ends,  
In the wake of a days death,  
Another arrives, until all you can do,  
Is sit there and cry.  
Since with all those days deaths,  
Yours still won’t be coming anytime soon.  
And you can never rest easy, not even in death.


	2. Black omens.

The black moths dance above me,  
A flower crown of bad omens.  
I live not hearing the beating of their wings,  
Until it is too late,  
By then I am old,  
And my blood has gone cold.  
Or maybe I am young,  
Yet my feet cannot run.  
Either way, I never paid heed  
To the black moths up above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Black moths are bad sighs, thanks Stephen but I can’t seem to find any whenever I’m in danger?


	3. I don’t know.

“I don’t know what to do”,   
A vague sentence for the shit I’m thinking,  
So many thoughts going through my head.   
Do i really have to give myself up until a later date?   
I’m sobbing on the inside,  
Who said just because we have the same blood you could control mine?   
If I want it to pour while the ash in my throat rids me of thought then it will.  
I feel like the void inside me is growing,  
But in that very void something rots,  
Something that you wouldn’t like,  
Something I don’t understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A vent.


	4. Numb

A numbing feeling emerges and attacks my mind,   
It's next victim is my heart.   
With a stomach churning I slowly write,   
Thinking of nothing but the numbness.  
Slowly spreading to every part of me,  
And my very being screams,  
The pressure is coming down.  
And my head would prefer to be ripped off,  
And cradled in a gory mess.


	5. Chapter 5

A skill is not talent,  
Just as a poem is not a novel.  
Talent is for the blessed,  
While a skill is for the working man.  
Yet both a wild beauty,  
But an angry crow caws and shouts "lies!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know talent also has to have you working hard but I'm saying that you have to actually gain a skill by working hard because normally you have like 0 natural talent.


	6. What do you know about yourself?

What the fuck do you know about yourself?  
I cant feel anything running through my veins,  
Nobody is telling me what to do but theyre all telling me who I am.  
I always say I'd love to kiss a girl in the moonlight,   
But man, I dont think its my own thought-  
Never remembered the moon in a clear light.  
I could stare all I want,  
But some bitch will always move forward, spoiling it.  
Maybe if I tried a little harder,  
I could find the person who knows who I am.  
At this point all I know,  
Is that boy I call myself loves the after-scent of cigz.  
But even that seems like a false truth.


	7. Cannibals corpse

The cannibals corpse has skin whiter than snow and cleaner then milk.   
Their eyes hold the darkness of a never-ending abyss,  
Everytime you look you just keep falling and falling.  
Their teeth a crooked maze, yet sharp and deadly.   
Their hair is a tangled mass of red, the color that reminds them of hysteria.   
The cannibals corpse was once a king, a mother, an old man, a young girl but now their skin needs to start anew.  
The cannibals corpse searches for it's vessel.   
The cannibals corpse smiles through the screen.


	8. You are not.

A graceful dove is not confused,  
You are not the graceful dove.  
A beautiful swan is not with flaws,  
You are not the beautiful swan.  
A trickster monkey does not think twice,  
You are not the trickster monkey.  
A secretive snake does not show his silvertongue,  
You are not the secretive snake.  
A writer fool writes but not without failures,  
Are you the writer fool?


	9. So much trouble.

Why would you guys go through so much trouble for a kid like me?   
My "funds" are all dried up now.  
My eyes just so tired,   
But they'll focus on all of you,  
You all have other people to give you the love you need.   
I don't care that the other people in my life have given up on my love.   
Because you all stuck around,   
Where are you going, though?  
I can feel you fading.   
I can feel you all fading like the leaves that fall and fade into a blur of old colors.   
Why cant i stay?   
I'm sorry for asking,  
My love will just have to wait for somebody else.   
Someone I don't think I'll ever meet.   
Are you all tired of me, too?


	10. why? why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cutting helped me focus on nothing else other then the cut when I was thinking too much and my head hurt. I miss it, but I don't want anybody else to go through it.  
> I do not condone.

Blood slipping down my arm,  
"Why?" With a shrieking voice.  
I only focus on the blood,  
The tingling and the metallic taste,  
As I swipe my pink tongue across it.  
Because nothing else is as important.  
An additional bump in the road of my arm,  
Only now the bumps aren't cracks in the street,  
But red-filled mistakes dried up on a smooth, hot cement driveway.


	11. Fools and knives.

I can't help myself when it comes to free-spirit,  
Can those fools pointing knives of hospitality and holding open the door of hells-home say the same?  
Its my call, its my call  
'Cause I want to live as I should,  
Running with the wind in my face.  
Dancing in the moonlight.  
Can those fools pointing knives of hospitality and holding open the door of hells-home do the same?  
Shoot forward and those fools will tumble,  
Shoot forward and my needs wont be humble.   
I want to see the moon and a never-ending sidewalk,  
I want to see the buslting hive of people,  
I want to see the ladies of night,  
But I'm careful not to touch.  
But no, the jester jeers,  
I've been hit hit by a knife of hospitality.   
But I know ill recover.


	12. Amana

Dear Amana, why are you still here?  
I don't want to follow you home,  
The lord doesn't make me sin,  
The devil doesn't make me do good,  
I do what I want.   
Amana, don't you get it?  
You're blocking my flow.   
How am i suppose to run,  
Run til the house on the hill is gone?  
But Amana, You've caught me.  
I dont wanna stalk your name,  
I dont want to be soul-bound,  
I dont want their lords punishments,  
But Amana, most of the time...  
I dont want to admit you're a comfort.

Whoever you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amana means "faithful"


	13. Garden

There's so much going on in life, but i don't care,  _(I'd much rather kill my ego.)_

There are roses blooming on my scalp and they make my head pound  _(I think they want to kill my ego.)_ I let them bloom. There's nothing I can do even when I'm spouting venom at the gardeners.

_(This is a book and I'm the protagonist, I wish the author wasn't a J.K Rowling, she keeps changing me and my head hurts and my ego is ugly and-)_

_(This is like a show and I'm the main bitch with an ego bigger then the sun and I just want somebody to rip my ego right from beneath my feet.)_

_(This is a garden and those pains flourishing on my head aren't roses they'refuckingweedsevenifthey'reaesthitic.)_

This fucking garden on my head is growing, its blooming, its breeding, its  _burning._ _It's my mind and it's hurting me._  

I wish a rose bloomed when I stared at my phone, talking to the person who's suppose to be my girl but there's nothing but a Narcissus that looks down from where it's perched on my head and sneering at the  _"love you"_ s the glaring screen shows. If I was a Gardener I'd kill the flowers, but the Narcissus stays perched high with the old-timers. I wait for the gardener to come, whenever they will. 


	14. Not even toothhurty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just got my wisedom teeth removed lmao I imagined a vampire getting their teeth removed and being all in pain and confused.

The sun didn’t need to go down,  
No hunters in town,  
It isn’t even two-thirty why must the teeth be pulled?  
Waking up in a flash,  
The cool gentle cream washes down the rusty waters  
I’ll never let them hurt me bad again,  
No ones staked my fucking heart,  
So Why must they tear the knives right from my mouth?  
And if they rip these needles from my mouth must my body swell?  
I want the night to tear these pains right from my gums,  
But I’m afraid it’s passed two-thirty.


	15. Blood and Gore.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not rly a poem as much as just something a character i made said.

With blood and gore,  
forever engraved into my mind,   
there's no return,  
from the hell i've gotten myself stuck in,


	16. Sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too edge? 🤔   
> I was emotional.

I'm so sick of fuckin screaming, tonight,  
And if you asked me if I was ok,  
All I'd mutter is,  
I'm so sick of fuckin dreaming, tonight  
"I've missed you so much"  
Sorry I've been sick,  
Sick of drifting in life with no purpose,  
I wish I could say i say I loved it all,  
But I'm just so sick,  
And if you asked me,  
I'd say we're all so fucking sick of feeling, tonight.


	17. Mundane.

And everyday feels so fucking mundane,  
And I can't stop thinking about you,  
With your _"pretty"_ locks of hair,  
And you've led me to a golden pair of stairs  
That leads to a future I never really asked for,  
And the least you could do is take your hand into mine,  
And tell me "everything's going to be alright"  
Because I feel like you're slipping away and I can't think anymore, not even now,  
...just please come take me back. 


	18. I am not your guiding hand.

I am not your guiding hand, 

I am but a caring soul. 

I will ask things about you,

Are you ok

Are you happy 

Are you healthy 

Are you  _sane?_

Am I caring? 

I am not sure. 

I think I'm normal, 

You think I am your cure. 

I am not your guiding hand, 

But I will guide you when you need it,

Since when did guide mean 'lover forever'?

Perhaps I'm not wise enough to see how I've helped you,

To see how I can help myself. 

But hear this, I am a guide, I am not  _your_ guide but I am "caring" enough to help you. 

I am not special, we aren't unique,

Us guides are out there,

You just need to see. 

So take your grasp off my helping hand,

And take my apologies. 

I am a guide,

Not a lover waiting for you to come and cry,

I am here for all, 

Not here for one,

I am a guide, I do what guides must do. 

You are like a traveler,

When the time is right you must leave me,

Though you may pick me up anytime you wish.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got into a relashinship. I'm now dating somebody but the only reason we're dating is because I often care about them and ask them how they are and if I can help.   
> I do love them but not romantically.   
> As friends you know?  
> Plus with highschool starting how am I suppose to meet the preppy cheerleader girl of my dreams (；^ω^）jk jk. No cheerleaders in my life. Just me and the long road of highschool. I don't want to break their heart tho.


	19. Highschool feels.

Walking down the hallways I had never felt so raw, never felt so small never felt so  _(nude)_.

It should have been fine, it  _would_ have been fine had I been somebody else. Not such an existential bastard. 

My friends have changed. They get stoned more, disappear for longer, talk less. I think I've changed, too. Just in the opposite way. Not like I wouldn't give the world to stay with them. 

The fear in my heart has changed as well. It's grown, I feel like I have so much more to lose but then I think ' _how could that be? Barely anything has happened.'_

But then I remember that my livelyhood is limited and one day my youthfulness will be all behind me. I'll be in adult in 4 years. A mature adult, capable of taking care of myself with no need for late night teen parties, and girlfriends and after school clubs and sneaking out and  _smokinganddrugsanddrinkingandlyingandcrying_  and all the things that make a teenager a teenager. 

Someday things will be different but for now, I want to stop feeling so raw, so small so  _(nude)._

Because really when was nudity a bad thing? 

 


	20. Morality.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old. Written 9/6/19

I've just come to the realization that our lives are so unimportant. My head hurts from reading, I've just finished _Carrie_ and _The_ _Merciless_ today, and started _Firestarter_. Reading always gets my brain all fuzzy. My head will feel like it's pounding, my body will feel hot and heavy, and my lungs close up till I can't really breathe. 

Regardless, I still love to read. I love stories, but today I realized I may never make it big in life. I may never become an amazing writer like Stephen King no matter how much effort I put into making my writing better. Even if I didn't become a goddamned writer I want to at least make a change in somebody's life. I want to be remembered. I don't just want to fade into  _nothing._

But we are all insignificant in people's lives. 

This thought should not affect me. 

This thought will not affect me, I am better now. 


	21. People downstairs.

There are people downstairs, 

The studying makes my head dizzy,

It's pounding, aching. 

The numbers are eyesores, 

The study music making me irritable,

But I know if I take off these headphones there's no going back, 

I will lose focus. 

I want to cry I want to scream,

To clutch my head and just squeeze.

I want to hurt, I want to bleed to get my mind off itself and back onto the papers or the pain,

I want to-

But there are people downstairs. 


	22. Marz

Hey Marz...what if I put my lil peep playlist next to yours...ha ha...just kidding...unless? 😳

Hey Marz yeah just found out you remembered me,

Remember when we first met?

I was always blushing, hey chick don't look at me,

I had never met somebody who was so like me but so dreamy.

Marz from a spaceship like an alien appeared, 

Seen you in class but I never felt like I was gonna disappear,

Met you on a project, your friend introduced us,

Talked about some good 'ole gay shit, 

"Hey you like Klance? Ha! So do i!"

I had never met somebody who was so like me but so dreamy,

You got that boy-short cut and for a chick I thought it looked fine (when do I not?),

Introduced yourself as a different name, not Marz, not space, not the chick who I never had a crush on but made me feel so i intimidated and rocker,

If you had I probably would have run away from your ass,

Probably should have.

And we went back to your place for this project,

And you smoked and you cut and then a few years later you decided to have a glow-up. 

And I had never met somebody who was so like me but so freaky,

And I'd really like to tear off my alien skin and reveal a kid like you but for now I have to stick with e-boy imitation (though I'm neither of those things, I'm me and I was here first) so take your big spaceship and pack all your cigz,

Take out your old earbuds and die down on the music, 

I had never met somebody who was so not like me but convinced me to care,

But hey Marz before you go!

Thanks for the nicotine addiction, you fuckin' cigarette bud. <3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Marz" is a cool friend and all this ain't exactly to hate on them but like at the moment we don't hang much (ever since highschool started) but we talked and they still chill af
> 
> Love u biiiitch ❤️😔

**Author's Note:**

> I’m a sad boy >;(


End file.
